Apology to my future wife.

This is the story of a broken man, the somber narrative of shame, guilt and regret. This is a letter of penance, repentance for the sordid fouls of my future. This is my grief for the kind of man I am, my apology for the kind of man I am not. This are my confessions, I abscond my reticence and unveil my faults, please bear my apology, relieve me of my guilt. Forgive me for the Kind of husband I shall be.

You married a lie; I had fooled you with my pretence. You thought of me well and I knew I would disappoint you, I knew I would never be what you thought I would be. I knew I would never make an effort to be a good man, I knew it from the start; I knew these were my ungodly intentions. I knew I would never appreciate all you did for me, I would never be grateful for the warm meals you served me; I knew I would never be satisfied by your warmth in my bed. I always knew I would stray and I never tried to resist the temptation, I thought of nothing but myself.

All I thought, all I felt was contempt, contempt for your honour, contempt for your womanhood and disdain for your wants. I thought of you as nothing more than a shameless Gold digger, I never valued your love, I never trusted your cares, I thought you were evil, I always was suspicious of your kindness

I never cared when you cried, I never felt your coldness as you ate all by yourself while I surrendered to the bottle. I never thought of you as I subdued myself to the whore, I never cared of your shame as I brought the barmaid to the sanctuary of our matrimony. I never felt remorse for telling you that you were a useless wife. All I thought, all I felt was contempt, contempt for your honour, contempt for your womanhood and disdain for your wants. I thought of you as nothing more than a shameless Gold digger, I never valued your love, I never trusted your cares, I thought you were evil, I always was suspicious of your kindness, I rejoiced in your tears, I fed greedily at the misery in your eyes, All I yearned for was your suffering, that is why I subscribed to the whore, I wanted your nose to smell the cheap perfume, I wanted you to know that I was with somebody else. I felt threatened by your grace,  I felt worthless before your aspirations, I feared you would be great and I would be disposable. I always knew I never deserved you, I always thought you deserved better, I always feared you would realize that and you would go, so I punished you for my short comings, I punished you because I was not the man I should have been.

Now its clear, I have always been the baby, the sordid little one in the gutter, You lived through all the immaturity, waiting for me to grow up. Now I feel more ashamed. You never fought back but I still lost, Leave me now! Go away! Never come back! I cannot bear this shame I feel in front of you. I cannot bear it that you see through me like a pond. I hate to be the stain in your life, Go! Find a better man, build a better life.