Khaemba for Governor?

As I started writing this post I got upset by the red lines underneath the name Khaemba, Ms Word recommended the name “Chambal” as a replacement, whatever that means. That just shows that African achievers are barely ever recognized. I don’t know why African achievers are not recognized but I know that our failure to recognize success promotes failure. I think its time we started to elevate the best amongst us. It is time we in Africa recognize that there are achievers amongst us; it is time we set them above the rest and to model success. Unfortunately there aren’t many achievers to emulate in this continent. There aren’t many of unquestionable character, unblemished integrity and who attain consistent results.

 Mr. Khaemba woke up before all the Chicken at Alliance high school and slept after all the watchmen of Alliance high school. To put it simply, Mr. Khaemba was Alliance high School... Nevertheless I must confess that Mr. Khaemba looks odd in the world of Kenyan politics. Kenyan Politics is punctuated with hooliganism, sycophancy and “rugged” morals. Mr. Khaemba’s refinement and character are rare in Kenyan politics. Mr. Khaemba has little in common with the politicians of this country....

I have a personal project, I have revealed it to very few of my closest friends and the details have remained hidden from all of them. I call my project “The Blueprint”. It’s not the Vision 2030 and it’s not a music album (apparently every person my age is an aspiring “msani”). The Blueprint is simple; it is a list of successful individuals and organizations in the fields of Business, leadership, faith and politics. My plan is to study all these individuals and organizations and to determine what the reasons for their success are and to model them in my own life. The first name in my Blue print was Tony Blair. Unfortunately, there are barely any Kenyans in my Blueprint, one of those few Kenyans is Christopher Khaemba, aka CSK or famously known as “The sodz”.

Christopher Khaemba is my former principal at The Alliance High School. Christopher Khaemba has left a record of impeccable success in the field of education and is arguably the best educator in this country. CSK turned around FSK (Friend’s school Kamusinga) in barely three years and his tenure as Principal at Alliance high school was arguably the most glorious in the school’s history. Mr. Khaemba has always pursued an all round philosophy for success. Mr. Khaemba emphasized extra curricular success as much as Academic success. During his term at FSK, they won the National Hockey Title and his term at Alliance was punctuated with impressive success in Drama, music, Rugby, swimming and Basketball which he once coached. After Alliance High School Khaemba has gone on to be the inaugural Director of the African Leadership Academy. All these are great achievements, but I think and expect that most AHS old boys would agree that his greatest achievement was the fact that No student ever “lost school” because of school fees. I could write a book about the Achievements of Mr. Khaemba or more affectionately “SODS”.

What has made Mr. Khaemba so prolific in what he does?  There is no denying that the achievements of Mr. Khaemba are astoundingly impressive. Let me attempt to explain why he has consistently excelled. Any old boy of the Alliance high school would agree that Mr. Khaemba has always amazed with his high level of personal discipline. Mr. Khaemba woke up before all the Chicken at Alliance high school and slept after all the watchmen of Alliance high school. To put it simply, Mr. Khaemba was Alliance high School, I left AHS in 2007 and I can’t imagine anybody else being principal other than SODS, period. Mr. Khaemba had leadership abilities that earned him enormous respect and endeared him to the students and staff. Mr. Khaemba was the Kind of principal who went for Cross country with us the students and I must say that he was fast. Then there is the Charismatic side of Mr. Khaemba, he has a rapturous sense of humour and he was also very ambitious- during one principal’s talk Mr. Khaemba unveiled AHS 2026, an ambitious and hilarious blue print of what he wanted AHS to be in its 100^th anniversary, if I may remember he suggested that the Bursar’s office installs an ATM machine… that is the future courtesy of SODS. Khaemba has always been one to get what he wants, in his tenure AHS built impressive facilities and he had a hobby of snatching the best teachers from other schools. He was the best and Nothing else.

Recently Mr. Khaemba stepped down as the General Manager of Equity Group foundation. Mr. Khaemba intends to run for the seat of Governor of Bungoma County. To be honest I am not an expert on western Kenya politics; in fact, the closest I have ever come to Western Kenya is a map. One thing I do know though is that Mr. Khaemba is a result driven leader with a strict emphasis on uncompromised performance. I am sure that Mr. Khaemba would deliver with a distinction as he has done in the past. Nevertheless I must confess that Mr. Khaemba looks odd in the world of Kenyan politics. Kenyan Politics is punctuated with hooliganism, sycophancy and “rugged” morals. Mr. Khaemba’s refinement and character are rare in Kenyan politics. Mr. Khaemba has little in common with the politicians of this country. Mr. Khaemba is not a clown like the Sonkos and Simon Mbuguas of this country. Mr. Khaemba is not a suspect like the Mwaus of this country; he is not a hate speaker like the Machages of this country. Then there is another issue, it’s a bit laughable really, Khaemba can barely speak Kiswahili. He made the school laugh on school dinners as he tried to convey his thanks to the dinning hall staff…

 All in all, I do support Khaemba in his bid for the Bungoma seat. I think Khaemba has distinguished himself as a performer and his character as well as reputation is praise worthy. It’s in my hope that he does win and most of all he does deliver. I hope this is the beginning of a more refined generation of leaders. All the best SODS.

 I am sorry for posting a rather long and uncharacteristically dull article on my blog. If its your first time on this blog you should know that it’s a very “colourful” page….

“Boys! Work and work well...” C.S. Khaemba.

If Jesus was a Kenyan..

You have got to hate the 27^th of December; it is a dreadful day. You have got to dread the day after the Christmas holidays. It’s a hateful day as you pay for the indulgences or more precisely the overindulgences of the Christmas festivities. Today I woke up and I was quite ruined. My stomach was haunting me with the groans of the numerous murdered animals that I swallowed. I must confess that many animals perished just for me to feast myself, chicken were beheaded, goats were peeled and even “dobas” were slain. It’s a horrid sensation to feel things decomposing in your intestines, its nauseating; I am never eating meat again. I will start eating vegetables, things like grass.

My only relief was thinking about an interesting conversation I had with my friend Charles yesterday. It was not exactly a conversation but mostly me ranting. I was narrating to him what it would be like if Jesus was here in Kenya. Today as I thought of you my dear readers I felt it would be a nice blog post to you. I think its time I put myself into my blog, its time I gave you what I talk about everyday, what I think about everyday and just me being me and nothing else…

If Jesus was in Kenya at this day and age I am sure he would suffer more punishment than he did under the Romans and Pharisees. If Jesus was a Kenyan he would ruin it for many people. First of all, If Jesus went to Mombasa or Kisumu he would bankrupt boat owners as he would help passengers walk across the water for free. If Jesus was a fisherman the fishermen would hate him because he would fish without a net. All Jesus would do is call out the fish and they would jump into his boat. The other fishermen would catch nothing and Jesus would possibly give all the fish for free.

 ..In fact if Jesus was to be a Kenyan he would not be born because the Holy spirit would not find a virgin girl in Kenya...

If Jesus multiplied fish and bread and fed people in Uhuru Park the city council would arrest him for hawking without a license, the hawkers would hate Jesus for ruining their business. If Jesus turned water into wine in Kenya the police would arrest him for making illicit brews and if Jesus started healing people in the streets the doctors would go on strike because he was ruining their business…

If Jesus resurrected the dead in Kenya coffin makers would report him as a grave robber and if Jesus saved a woman from mob justice the crowd would stone him instead. If Jesus gave free bread and fish to Kenyans they would sell it and buy chang’a. If Jesus started anointing people in the streets the churches would hate him for ruining their anointed water businesses.

If Jesus was a Kenyan he would not be baptized because John the Baptist would have been Killed for being a Mungiki. In fact if Jesus was to be a Kenyan he would not be born because the Holy spirit would not find a virgin girl in Kenya. In the unlikely event the Holy Spirit found a virgin there would be no Joseph because all Kenyan men are drunk. If Jesus was born in Kenya there is a high likelihood he would end up in the dustbin and salvation would never happen…

The truth is that Jesus isn’t very convenient for most of us. Jesus is not very good business because he said “Happy are the poor” and the world has changed a lot. Today Jesus is applied for commercial value rather than spiritual value. If Jesus was a Kenyan groupies would stalk him and humourless comedians like Eric Omondi would make jokes about him. If Jesus was a Kenyan he would end up in jail for starting a “cult”. The truth is that people make Jesus what they want him to be. Ladies like Jesus because he loves them and they think of him as their “boyfriend”. Men like Jesus because the “word of God” works rather well when folding girls into the box. I imagine the real Jesus would be the kind who goes against the grain, maybe Jesus would be spraying graffiti, maybe he would be a cowboy with a horse and Yoke… I don’t know, but there is a reason Jesus wasn’t a Kenyan…

s

Don’t eat the Christmas tree...

Finally, am here. I am a back, the exams are over and the fun is back. I am afraid that this is not the appropriate time for me to feast you on my usual dose of uncompromised and unrefined perceptions that perplex and astound for their extraordinary ostentation. Today I want to do something unlike the usual. I want to do something a bit closer to earth. I want to do something appropriate and fit for the occasion.

 I am grateful to the many that quietly take their time to invest their attention to my work without any incentive whatsoever. I am thankful for those who acclaim me when am at my best and encourage me when am not. To me you mean a lot, and that is everything to me. Thank you, I couldn’t say anything less.

Ladies and Gentlemen thank you for your endearing and unrelenting support. Everyday my heart is warmed when I receive favourable regards about my blog. I appreciate everyday I receive friend’s requests from people who have read and impressed by this blog. I am grateful to the many that quietly take their time to invest their attention to my work without any incentive whatsoever. I am thankful for those who acclaim me when am at my best and encourage me when am not. To me you mean a lot, and that is everything to me. Thank you, I couldn’t say anything less.

It has been a great year, I have learnt more this year than on any other. I hope it has been a great year for you all and as it winds to an end I reckon I should be thankful because it has been fruitful. Its in my hope that next year will be as fruitful and productive as this will. I want to go no further than this, I want to wish you nothing less than a merry Christmas and a Happy new year. Thank you for your ceaseless support and I hope you will still be on my side next year.

Kindly watch this space for some major revisions and remake of this blog come next year...

Credit Crunch, the newest breakfast cereal...

Hey! How have you been my people? Its been long I must say, and I am sure you missed this a lot, didn't you? Well, guess what? The phenomenon is back on air! Welcome back for the usual refreshing content, originality and Lunacy all rolled up into one piece... You know, today is one of those days I wake up feeling lively, I feel like a radio presenter, I feel like I am hosting a show, as I type this at my computer I am actually wearing headphones, I am waiting for song requests and stuff... You know, maybe I should ask a trivia question, I mean something like, Why do pastors wear Black like Devils and prisoners wear white like Angels? Is it possible to teach a snake to chew? I should offer some prize money but unfortunately the banks ruined everything.

 Kenyans were aroused with election heat. Kenyans were preparing to engage in electoral intercourse. Sadly this is Africa and elections usually end up in unwanted pregnancies.

A few years ago the world was a happy place, economies were growing and people were optimistic, the American middle classes had credit cards and Chinese counterfeit exports were surging. It was a wonderful time as the Kenyan economy soared and people were getting richer. Unfortunately all these came to an abrupt end when everybody discovered American Banks had been doing witchcraft with peoples money. The banks had done a "disappearing" trick on the stage and unfortunately the money disappeared completely, the banks started folding up and the American government had to provide some relief in the form of bail outs and stimulus plans.By then America had sneezed and Europe had caught a cold... The Africans would soon be shivering....

At a round the same time as things in America started going burst Kenyans were aroused with election heat. Kenyans were preparing to engage in electoral intercourse. Sadly this is Africa and elections usually end up in unwanted pregnancies. Kenya's election became a circus show that had gone wrong, the circus elephant had eaten a clown and the monkeys were slinging excrement at the audience and it wasn't good. Soon Kenya erupted and CNN had a new story to air all day long, the tourists fled and the economy tanked. Luckily Kofi Annan came and helped people shake hands...

The drama internationally culminated in a black American president. The huge stimulus packages had extended American debt and economic confidence in America swayed and recently the Triple A credit America had was downgraded by standard and poor's. In Europe the Greeks were having a severe bout of fiscal malnutrition as the era of cheap European loans came to an end. Unfortunately Greece had spent the generous European credit on lavishly extensive social programs and now they could not afford to pay the debts, soon it would emerge that most of the southern European states had over exposed themselves to euro debts, The Italians, The Spaniards and the Portuguese had also been exposed. Suddenly the Euro started to look like it would crumble as the Germans were the only major European economy with solid finances.

 Soon everybody started talking about the Big emerging economies holding the Key out, it then turned out that the Indians were nursing some severe deficits and they were cutting subsidies for fuel. The Americans were raising currency management issues with the Chinese and the Europeans are apparently allergic to growing Chinese influence, The Japanese seem to be playing political musical chairs, The Japanese keep rotating prime ministers like Baby sitters, then they were hit by a major Tsunami that impaired the competitive sectors of its economy...

All these sound out there for most Kenyans, unfortunately it seems the Chicken are coming home to roost, interest rates have almost gone back to the 90s rates with 25% seeming quite common of late, Inflation has even inspired musicians to sing things like "Narudi ocha", The currency has almost gone under completely and everybody seems to be going on a strike, Lecturers, Doctors and the nurses nearly did.

Apparently the world has gone into the gutters, it seems all of a sudden the era of sound economies has dissolved into thin air, everything seems to be in crisis,  Stocks are loosing, deficits all over, debt all over, revolutions here and there, people are starting occupations all over... What happened?

Everbody, I will be off for a while as I sit for my exams but I promise to be back and with a bang. Thanks and have a wonderful Madaraka day, sorry, Jamhuri day.

Greetings from the Donkeys of Naivasha…

Recently I was travelling from Nakuru to Nairobi and I was painfully bored with the scenery… then at Naivasha my dad had to stop after we saw a donkey with a child holding its rope…. The donkey was talking the boy for a walk!! What a useful donkey? That was so thoughtful of it! It turned out the donkey could talk, not a big deal, its not the first time a donkey could talk, Balaam had a talking ass, its quite normal…

 ...It turns out that the donkey was called Kalonzo, does it remind you of someone? The life of Kalonzo began in Ukambani where he was born, he was then bought by one Nderitu who brought him to Naivasha to carry water for a water melon farm. It was a difficult job but fulfilling because he had made a girlfriend on the farm, she was called Charity, how romantic...

The donkey wanted a lift from us, unfortunately most cars seats aren’t made for donkeys. Carmakers should consider that some of the passengers could be donkeys. The donkey wanted to go to Nairobi to look for greener pastures, Naivasha was a bit dry and the scenery was Rubbish. The donkey narrated to us that it wanted to go to Nairobi to seek a meeting with the Committee of Experts, the donkey wanted to petition the committee of experts to include a bill of rights for animals, unfortunately the donkey had no idea that the constitution was already promulgated and the committee of experts disbanded. Sad things donkeys cant read the papers… The donkey was painfully disappointed, I wanted to refer him to the Kenyan Human Rights commission but unfortunately it doesn’t handle ass business.

It was painful to listen to the sad story of the donkey. It turns out that the donkey was called Kalonzo, does it remind you of someone? The life of Kalonzo began in Ukambani where he was born, he was then bought by one Nderitu who brought him to Naivasha to carry water for a water melon farm. It was a difficult job but fulfilling because he had made a girlfriend on the farm, she was called Charity, how romantic? Unfortunately during the post election violence Charity was stolen and she ended up slaughtered by the poachers of Naivasha… Kalonzo was heart broken, he had tried going to the Truth Justice and reconciliation commission (TJRC) but the TJRC didn’t have a donkey translator.

I know this is a rubbish story, true. There is a point to it nevertheless. Animals are very precious, they add a lot of value to our lives yet we never seem to appreciate how much they matter to us. It is appalling to see the amount of cruelty heaped on animals, I am not saying you sing for your goat or buy your donkey a hot tub, but we need to be more kind to animals. Kenyans treat donkeys with sadistic brutality, it is sad to see donkeys inflicted with severe wounds by their owners, I fail to understand what is so bad that an animal could do to deserve such. It is very distasteful to watch the violence people in this country inflict on animals. There are people who set dogs tails on fire, our municipal councils murder stray dogs… I am not one of those who will ask you to treat your animals like they were your children, but I will say that it doesn’t take anything from you to be kind to animals. I saw a man run over a dog with his car without any effort to stop and it made me sick to the bones… God left us to take charge of his creation, not to abuse it. Jesus said that not a sparrow falls from the sky without God knowing, God cares about animals, so should we.

The Road To Loliondo...

I  was not actually planning to write this but the enormous response I got from my previous post "Before you laugh at my tribe" meant I had to keep my promise. I should have done this yesterday but Kenya Power and lighting company decided it wasn't a good time. Wait, Its now Kenya power company, they dropped "lighting" after they realized they spread darkness...but that's a story for another day...

Now back to Loliondo... Few people imagine that a wonder drug sensation like Loliondo would attract "High class " people. Most expect that Loliondo is for the masses who cant wait for their next dose of mass hysteria and mass opium, if there be such phenomena. The truth is that Loliondo was for all people and the upper class were the more entertaining clientele of Babu. Imagine a Kalasinga (Indian) shop owner who has been constipated for a month, let us call him Shah, consider that Shah has not had a bowel movement for a month, imagine a month without relief and he has been eating. In fact shah has grown a potbelly and other Kalasingas are talking that he has broken the Hindu code and started drinking and eating meat. After a month of being blocked up, Shah is desperate. He has tried all remedies to unblock himself, in fact he has even called in a  plumber to sort him out, but it didn't work. Shah is out of options and here comes Babu...

Imagine a Kalasinga (Indian) shop owner who has been constipated for a month, let us call him Shah, consider that Shah has not had a bowel movement for a month... After a month of being blocked up, Shah is desperate. He has tried all remedies to unblock himself, in fact he has even called in a plumber to sort him out, but it didn't work. Shah is out of options and here comes Babu...

Shah needs to get  to Loliondo and fast, his lack of anal eruptions has made him start  to fart with his mouth and his wife is not happy, he hasn't been getting any for weeks now because she says she cant mate with a hippo. Unfortunately if fellow Indians know he is going to Loliondo they will ridicule him and the family will castigate him for subsidizing their stature and honour. Patel is a genius, he will wear a buibui and book a Toyota Probox flight from Nakuru to Loliondo. Unfortunately every Indian in Nakuru had thought of the same thing. On the travel day Shah ends up in a probox full of other "women" in black buibuis and all of them with pointy noses. Everybody in the probox is quite, they all know they are Indians but nobody wants to reveal themselves first... "This must be Patel, is that Shah?" they think.... After a long and awkward silence Ranjeep decides to Unveil himself, there is an explosion of laughter in the probox, they recognize him, skinny Ranjeep the Karma Guru was on his way to Babu's, they all feel safe to remove their black tents... Finally.

The 4 men engage in Chit chat about their Dukas and the rising cost of Dongas and Roti or whatever the hell they call their food. Finally the conversation slides to a halt when Shah asks what they were suffering from... Ranjeep broke the silence by protesting that he had not defecated for 6 months! The rest joined him in empathy as they narrated their ordeals with clogged bowels. Apparently all the Indians around had been constipated for ages, some for years, no wonder they talk funny...

As they continued the journey they entered Tanzania and it was jealousy at first sight. They were greeted by hordes of parked Toyota proboxes as the Passengers defecated by the roadside. The Kalasingas seethed with jealousy as they watched people make hills with their bottoms, Ranjeep lamented how he used to make mountains so high he had a ladder in the toilet, unfortunately The Kalasingas were now camels with humps full of shit!!The road to Loliondo is full of Kenyans defecating on the side, you don't ask for directions, you just smell your way to Loliondo....

You must have realized that I have mentioned proboxes quite a lot, they are the Loliondo cars basically. Apparently Toyota had designed the car just for Loliondo travelers, the Probox has a large flat roof for carrying corpses in case a Loliondo patient died on the way. The Roof of a probox is very comfortable, If you are dead!!

Finally the Patels got to loliondo and what a crowd they found there? Kikuyus were in abundance, Apparently the entire Kikuyu tribe had come there to hawk handkerchiefs and get "treatments for money issues", A kikuyu man dipped his mobile phone in Babu's  drink and it became an i-phone... Another Kikuyu man with a small penis dipped it into the drink...well, it disappeared, his sinful organ was castrated!! If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, if its your leg, cut it off and if its your "organ of sin", then am sorry...

The Indians had hoped to get a franchising deal to distribute the Holy drink in Kenya, in fact Ranjeep had come up with a plan to market is as a soft drink. Unfortunately Babu's drink could only work in loliondo, it could not be carried out of Loliondo. Babu feared that the Chinese could soon make counterfeits with various flavours like, Babu strawberry, Babu Vanilla, Babu herbal, Babu special... People had even brought donkeys to Loliondo, apparently they thought Babu had a well and they had come with donkey carts to carry dawa...

To be continued... coming soon "Greetings from the donkeys of Naivasha..."