I NEARLY FELL IN LOVE...

There are days when the sun shines brighter than on others; there are days when the grass is greener. There are mornings when the birds sing louder and flowers open wider. There are special days when you wake up with a smile and anticipation. I had such a day…

I have always been skeptical, about Love and Romance. I have always felt indifferent about feelings of affection. I always thought that my guard was secure and my walls could not be invaded. I was wrong. I met her and I was charmed, she spoke and I was lost. I had never known what I could want in a woman, but she had it and I wanted it. Her demeanour was calm, restrained and charitable. She had confidence in opulent amounts and her smile was benevolently bewitching. Her eyes enticing, in her eyes were concealed priceless treasures, treasures of affection, beauty and seduction. Her hair glowing like silk, she was a fountain of elegance. She paid attention to even the most minor details, from her assiduously made hair to her pretty little feet, the pretty ones always have small feet, and they always get the loveliest shoes.

...Her bottom was bulky and bulging, you could have thought she was bending over while she was upright...There were acrobatics in my pants, vicious convulsions in my pants, I feared for my zip... I was aroused to my pubic hairs...

 I remember her black dress, flowing gracefully down her curvaceous back. She was authentically African and I wanted it all. She is the kind of woman men ogle at till it hurts. Her bottom was bulky and bulging, you could have thought she was bending while she was upright. Her chest was competently awarded with towers pointed and erect. She was the kind of woman who didn’t seek attention, she attracted it. She was like the pied piper, she tends to get followed. Everywhere she went was a road show. She is the kind of woman that made men change direction and other women feel uneasy. She was the kind of woman that will make men go to hell. God made her to populate hell with men. She is the kind of woman that made priests break celibacy, she was lust and seduction personified. I never knew I was that kind of man, I had always been “well tamed”, but for her I was a slave to my carnal desires. She is more than I could ever want.

I had never before been this charmed, never this captivated and never ever been so aroused. My manhood firmed up with irrepressible anticipation. There were acrobatics in my pants, vicious convulsions in my pants, I feared for my zip... I was aroused to my pubic hairs, it was a “Hair raising” lust. I had every reason to take her, but I had one reason not to. It’s a kind of awful feeling, she had too much…. She had beards and I suspect she even had a penis… If its too good to be true, It possibly is...

Alliance High School 2030...

The Vision has come to pass, Change has erased the past, Modernity has subdued history and Progress has erased Poverty. The year is 2030, The future has come, Kenya is now an Industrial Nation. The Great school has stood the test of time, The Alliance high school is still around, Many have come and Gone but the School remained.

Its now 2030... the Punishment parade has gone wireless, suspects text their admission numbers and they are awarded their punishments instantly...the Punishment department has introduced a witness protection system to protect snitches

Its now the year 2030 and a lot of things have changed in Alliance High School. The school has updated its discipline system to be in line with the latest Technology. First of all the Punishment parade has gone wireless, suspects text their admission numbers and they are awarded their punishments instantly.. In order to operate in a just manner the Punishment parade now has a fingerprint system that ensures correct convict Identity. In order to encourage students to report misdemeanors the Punishment department has introduced a witness protection system to protect snitches. The Punishment department runs a number of safe houses for protected witnesses such as the School cell facility.

Modern technology has also been used to make Alliance high school a more efficient society, For example speed Cameras have been fitted on the main highway to spot and Identify Trotting candidates. A facial recognition system has been fitted at the dinning hall entries to prevent Punishment parade suspects from entering. The Facial recognition system has reduced the number of people missing punishment parade. The prefect body has also been equiped with 2 way radios to aid in apprehending suspects for Punishment and it is now typical to hear "Suspect spotted at Kaginas Canteen, Roger that!!"

The Alliance high school has also made a lot of improvements to prefects working environments. Prefects are now assisted by well trained dogs and surveillance cameras to monitor the school.

Alliance high school has also come a long way in terms of Civil rights. Atheist students are now exempt from Chapel services. Alliance high school is a progressive school that has accepted Gay people and has recognized FRANCIS HOUSE as an ALL GAY house(JUST KIDDING, DONT EAT ME!!).

The Alliance high school also has made a lot of improvements to the Medical systems.The Sanatorium also introduced a VCT for "adventurous students", The Sanatorium also has a mental wing for those who have mental "deficits". The sanatorium has also introduced a traditional medicine section for those who are offended by "Western" decadence. Apart from these the Sanatorium also offers rehabilitation to students with addictions as well as Circumcision and sperm donation services.... 

The Money department has not been forgotten, The bursar office now runs an ATM service for students who need "Pesa pap" and the Bursar office also offers Loans for distressed students who have eaten school fees. The office of the BMS has an auction department to deal with loan defaulters. The Kagina's canteen has started selling items on Credit to broke students, the loans are secured on student grades of course; those who fail to pay get marks deducted.

The Trouble with Old men...

Let me begin by wishing Uhuru Kenyatta a Happy 50th birthday. I hope he is wise by now and I suspect he is because I have heard that a fool at 50 is a fool forever. I have just realized that 50 is not as Old as it used to be, back then at 50 you were nearly an ancestor, but today, 50 is a new generation. Today people of Uhuru's age are young Turks and fresh leaders, Marvelous!!

Sometimes I feel detached from my fellow youths, some times I feel like an Old fashioned Fun Hating Mzee. I don't walk around in Supras and tight jeans(young men of today do that). I am the kind of boy that wears properly ironed trousers, neat office shirts and polished shoes, I don't wear studs or Stunnerz (oversized sunglasses)... I reckon I should be a typical youth with a sense of fashion, as a start I am going to start cutting the sleeves off my shirt, maybe walk with my shirt collars 'upright and erect', I should start to sag my trousers. Right now I am cultivating an Afro that I will have twisted into Nasty looking "Pillars", I shall then dye my hair yellow to look like a celebrity and maybe I shall feel a bit like Mariga or even Elephant man... Dying my hair and 'twisting' it is good rebellion, isn't it? I am sure that will brew interesting suspicions from my parents, my mother will think I am in a cult and my father will look for a counselor..After all, youth is about rebellion, isn't it?

I have also realized that to fit in with youths I need to join a musical group and maybe even become a Msaani, I have realized I am the only youth without a single. Even Museveni has "produced a Rap"...

Politically I also have to tow the youth line, I have to blame Wazees for my predicaments as a youth. As a youth I have to blame Wazees for being addicted to weed and Chang'a. As a youth I should blame wazees for being Jobless and broke. You see, these wazees have ruined everything for us the youth. These wazees are very boring and they should leave us to run the world, shouldn't they?

This is a very sensible post, well, sort of. I doubt people will want to read this so I should offend somebody to get readers..."Alliance high school was like diarrhoea, It is very interesting and amusing when its someone Else's insides getting deflated rapidly..."

My miseries at Alliance High School.

I remember that day well, that dull morning. I remember the somber weather, the gloomy trees as we drove down the road from the pitiable town of Kikuyu. I remember the feeling I had; I felt this was the crowning of my auspicious achievements in Primary school. I barely noticed when we arrived; it all looked like we were driving through a forest until I saw the rusty blue and white gate; ALLIANCE HIGH SCHOOL, Strong to Serve. That was it; I was ushered into a ‘tubeiros’, a slave ship.

I arrived at around ten, the first thing I saw was the deformed school bus, the school bus at Alliance had a name, she was Priscilla, Priscilla is the kind of name that they gave to Ugly women who had pointed noses and possibly ate children. I remember my thought when I saw that bus, the bus made me imagine “They Have found Noah’s ark”. The bus was a bad omen, I was cursed.

I arrived at around ten, the first thing I saw was the deformed school bus, the school bus at Alliance had a name, she was Priscilla, Priscilla is the kind of name that they gave to Ugly women who had pointed noses and possibly ate children. I remember my thought when I saw that bus, the bus made me imagine “They Have found Noah’s ark”...I remember seeing bemused boys walking hurriedly to loot the dining hall of a concoction of milk mixed with water and tea leaves, this they called “brew” and it really was an illicit brew possibly made from human milk.

I remember seeing bemused boys walking hurriedly to loot the dining hall of a concoction of milk mixed with water and tea leaves, this they called “brew” and it really was an illicit brew possibly made from human milk. I remember seeing people run away from the dining hall a few minutes later. I was terrified, these boys were rushing in so desperately and now they were running away from the dining hall! Welcome To Alliance High School.

When you first enter Alliance high school you diminish, Alliance high school inculcates a hopeless feeling of insignificance. In Alliance high school you mean nothing and you don’t matter, you are nobody; you are just another inmate, another victim of merit. These were my impressions before I even got out of my father’s car.

Alliance high school was the biggest mistake of my life; I was never cut out for its culture and ostentation. Alliance high school was never meant for people like me. Alliance was meant for people who had grown up on breakfast cereal and chocolate, I had grown up on Bananas and Porridge, white sugarless porridge to be precise. Alliance was for people who lived in Karen not people from obscure residences in Nakuru. I had lived in a ghetto for nearly half my life and there I was in the midst of people who had lived in opulence. From the first day, I was a misfit in Alliance high school. How could the son of a pedestrian ever belong in the land of those with fat pockets? How could the son of a pedestrian who had grown up playing in the streets mingle with people who had play stations? I heard of the X box for the first time in Alliance high school. As I said, In Alliance high school you are insignificant. Alliance high school had its owners and I was just an intruder. Wait for more confessions of my miseries in this Godless school.

No more erections at Old Trafford

I am not an ardent soccer fan, which I must bear to confession. I am the kind that pretends to follow Arsenal. I am one of those people who only know one person in arsenal, the manager Arsene Wenger and pretty much that is it. In the last Arsenal clash with Manchester it was a stripping, Arsenal was stripped naked on the pitch and it was a painful stimulant for ridicule… I was told that we should watch Arsenal games on Cartoon Network.

When I was writing this I was torn about what the title should be- Manchester United Castrated? Manchester United Circumcised? Murders at Old Trafford? Ferguson Given a hair cut? Rooney’s potato head peeled? As you can see I had quite a Buffet of catchy titles but then I remembered the egotistical gloating of Man U fans. That was it, Manchester city had crushed their egos and there came the perfect titles, No more erections at Old Trafford… Doesn’t get better, does it?

I am not celebrating that Manchester city won, I am celebrating that Manchester United lost so dramatically. Manchester United is no longer Manchester United It is just united; they are now united in somber grief and shameful embarrassment. Now the devils are headless and Old Trafford is a cemetery. What a marvelous delight?

Manchester United fans should not watch the games again, the should just read about them in the newspapers!!

Men in The Kitchen

Yesterday I made a milestone, at least a personal one. I did the unbelievable; in fact I had to convince people I could pull it off. Ladies and Gentlemen I made supper, yes I did the cooking! I must say I surprised myself and can’t help but gloat about it.

I thought that cooking could diminish my manhood; I thought cooking would shrink my ego and my male assets. I was worried that after I cooked I would come out of the kitchen gay; maybe cooking would make me grow boobs and start gossiping. I DIDN’T!!...Cooking is actually a position of power and that is why men should actually cook-at least their own food, think of all the things you could do with food, you could give people diarrhea, you could poison people and you could make them fat

I always thought that cooking is not a manly thing; I thought it was for women. I thought cooking was witchcraft that only women could master, I could not imagine as a male I could be peeling things, marinating things, frying things, boiling things and flavouring others. I thought that cooking could diminish my manhood; I thought cooking would shrink my ego and my male assets. I was worried that after I cooked I would come out of the kitchen gay; maybe cooking would make me grow boobs and start gossiping. I DIDN’T!!

I must confess that cooking is actually fun. The Kitchen is actually an inviting place, cooking is like science and art all in one. It’s a wonderful thing when you try different approaches and delight in the results. Cooking is actually a very fulfilling thing. I came to realize that cooking is actually a manly thing to do. Wearing an apron and preparing food is a responsible thing to do and that is manly. Cooking is actually a position of power and that is why men should actually cook-at least their own food, think of all the things you could do with food, you could give people diarrhea, you could poison people and you could make them fat. 

Jokes aside, I think cooking is really an experience of art. It is a great thing to be interested in what you eat. In real life a man who can cook is actually admirable, you see, my mother cooks most of the time, but on the few occasions my dad cooks, it’s special. A man who cooks is an asset to the family, and it’s the ultimate show of participation in a household. A man who cooks is a man women admire, I mean women like a man who is good with his hands, don’t they? I can’t dance, but I can cook and that is enough.

In the Name of Jesus!!

It has been 2000 years, about 24,000 months, about 100,000 weeks and 50,000 fortnights since Jesus Christ left. His impression on history is still fresh and his teachings have been assiduously preserved. There is little doubt that Jesus has been the most influential character of all time, his heritage dwarfs Socrates, Plato and even Alexander the great. Jesus was never a soldier but he conquered more than any army in History. Some claim Jesus was God, I do not want to go into the Philosophy of his divinity because it is not really my competence. I just want to explore one thing, what is it about Jesus?

In the name of Jesus, nations have been changed, crowns have fallen and wars have been fought. Jesus has hard an overwhelming influence on the politics of this world. Nations have been founded based on his teachings and principalities have fallen based on this very name. Jesus has been the centerpiece of History; his name is the foundation stone of modern society and his teachings the fabric of the value systems of most modern constitutions. All this sounds impressive but I have issues. The name of Jesus has catalysed more suffering than any other name, In the name of Jesus there were the crusades, In the name of Jesus there was the inquisition and in the name of Jesus wars have been fought. I am not blaming Jesus for this but I want to raise a few hard questions that have caused tumultuous troubles in my mind.

Jesus was never a soldier but he conquered more than any army in History. Some claim Jesus was God, I do not want to go into the Philosophy of his divinity because it is not really my competence...Every time I think of getting salvaged by the “redeeming” blood of Jesus, my intellect resists it... I have always seen prayer as a feminine thing. Men who pray have always looked diminished in my eyes, praying is a sign of weakness...

Why Jesus? Is Jesus really for the thinking man? Is faith intelligible?

Many have read my discussions of religion in the past, I am sure many of you expect a diarrhea of blasphemous remarks. No, I am a bit more mature than that, I want to raise a sober debate rather than pointless Rambling. By now it is concisely clear that I am not an especially religious person. I live by my own code completely devoid of God. I don’t attend church and I don’t pray. This sounds abnormal to many but I am used to it and so far it’s good. I have issues with the Christian faith and the Christian fraternity as a whole. Every time I think of getting salvaged by the “redeeming” blood of Jesus, my intellect resists it. I find Christians and Christianity to be an oversimplified version of reality. Faith in Jesus Christ has always looks unintelligent and lacking intellect. I have always seen Christians as lacking intellectual stimulation, their world is all about unquestioned faith, singing endless praise and relentlessly praying. I have always seen prayer as a feminine thing. Men who pray have always looked diminished in my eyes. I am of a view that as a man I should handle my own issues, praying is a sign of weakness, off course many of you will find that debatable but that is just how I see it.

I have always felt nauseated by the endless proclamations of love in the Christian faith. It makes me very uncomfortable when people tell me that Jesus loves me, I have always felt that love is something used to manipulate people. People tell you they love you when they want something from you. You are told Jesus loves you when your pastor wants to fleece you. Jesus always loves you just before the offering, the love of Jesus is the easiest way to lure the money out of people’s pockets, it is easy to think of Jesus as a Pick-Pocket. Worst of all, I find the issue of professing Love for Jesus to be quite Gay; I would not profess Love for a male publicly because it is the most basic indication of a queer disposition. If Jesus had been a female, maybe it would be more acceptable to me, but let us face it, the Christian faith is very chauvinistic.  

Gaddafi’s Problem with Rats

 

It was quite sobering to contemplate that the end has come for Africa’s most charismatic dictator. A few months ago it was impossible to imagine a world without Gaddafi; his perennial eccentric gimmicks were a feat to behold. Don’t get it that I was an ardent supporter of Gaddafi, I have never been a supporter of leaders who stay in power like they were born there. What I am trying to demonstrate is that Gaddafi’s gimmicks were a sad portrayal of the dysfunctional state of Libyan Governance.

Ronald Reagan called Gaddafi the mad Dog of the Middle East. Many may think that this was painfully malicious of Reagan but the truth is that Gaddafi truly was a first rate retard. Many people in Africa imagined that Gaddafi was a benevolent leader who had turned Libya into a jewel of prosperity and affluence. Many Kenyans I know always had a romantic view of Gaddafi as a hero who had liberated his nation from despair and Western domination. Unfortunately this is a flawed perception as History would illustrate. In reality Gaddafi was a deranged retard who led his country in a dysfunctional way. To begin with Gaddafi had no official title in the state; Gaddafi did not have any legitimate position in the structure of things. Gaddafi existed amorphously in the system like he was God. Basically Libya lived at the Mercies of Gaddafi for 42 years.

It does not take a psychiatrist to realize Gaddafi was mentally bankrupt; in fact at one time he wanted to abolish the Libyan currency and run a moneyless economy. Apparently Gaddafi thought that the Laws of economics were merely suggestions, but do I say?...

The above is a rather shallow exegesis that does not give enough validation for my revulsion of Gaddafi. Let me try creating some rudimentary sort of background and perspective. Let me try to illustrate what kind of person Gaddafi was. To begin with Gaddafi had a face that was remarkably exiguous, in plebeian language his face stood out. Let me disclose that Gaddafi’s face was not actually natural. Gaddafi had his face cosmetically altered so that people would not know when he was happy or angry, so now you know Gaddafi went on to modify his face to conceal his expressions, which Is just the beginning of the distinction of Gaddafi’s mental deficiency. It does not take a psychiatrist to realize Gaddafi was mentally bankrupt; in fact at one time he wanted to abolish the Libyan currency and run a moneyless economy. Apparently Gaddafi thought that the Laws of economics were merely suggestions, but do I say?

I understand, you think that the above narrated are just a convoluted sense of humour. I am sure you would like to imagine that Gaddafi was a prolific connoisseur of comical presentation but I should say he was not an actor as some might imagine. Gaddafi had an extreme sense of Paranoia. In the mind of Gaddafi everybody was trying to kill him, for 42 years Gaddafi never slept in the same place for two nights in a row, he never slept at the same time on any two nights. He lived in a tent in the middle of a military camp.

The saddest thing about the Gaddafi regime is that Gaddafi was a contradiction. Gaddafi always portrayed himself as a humble leader who lived very frivolously in a traditional Bedouin tent, but the truth is that Gaddafi was more flamboyant than the simple canvas he slept in. His family lived in untold opulence though he always encouraged Libya’s elite to live life in the Backgrounds. Gaddafi’s sons lived sedentary lives with them inviting top western celebrities for private performances in their houses. Gaddafi contradicted the Islamic fundamentals he always postulated with impunity. Gaddafi was the personification of hypocrisy, arrogance and indifference. He led his country to isolation and acrimony with many western Nations. At the peak he attempted to perpetuate a United African state where he would be supreme yet he wasn’t even wanted at home. Gaddafi called his opponents and resistors rats on every occasion, but eventually he himself ended up hiding underground like a mole and today he died with ultimate indignity. I guess a thousand rats did overwhelmed a solitary lion.