The Road To Loliondo...

I  was not actually planning to write this but the enormous response I got from my previous post "Before you laugh at my tribe" meant I had to keep my promise. I should have done this yesterday but Kenya Power and lighting company decided it wasn't a good time. Wait, Its now Kenya power company, they dropped "lighting" after they realized they spread darkness...but that's a story for another day...

Now back to Loliondo... Few people imagine that a wonder drug sensation like Loliondo would attract "High class " people. Most expect that Loliondo is for the masses who cant wait for their next dose of mass hysteria and mass opium, if there be such phenomena. The truth is that Loliondo was for all people and the upper class were the more entertaining clientele of Babu. Imagine a Kalasinga (Indian) shop owner who has been constipated for a month, let us call him Shah, consider that Shah has not had a bowel movement for a month, imagine a month without relief and he has been eating. In fact shah has grown a potbelly and other Kalasingas are talking that he has broken the Hindu code and started drinking and eating meat. After a month of being blocked up, Shah is desperate. He has tried all remedies to unblock himself, in fact he has even called in a  plumber to sort him out, but it didn't work. Shah is out of options and here comes Babu...

Imagine a Kalasinga (Indian) shop owner who has been constipated for a month, let us call him Shah, consider that Shah has not had a bowel movement for a month... After a month of being blocked up, Shah is desperate. He has tried all remedies to unblock himself, in fact he has even called in a plumber to sort him out, but it didn't work. Shah is out of options and here comes Babu...

Shah needs to get  to Loliondo and fast, his lack of anal eruptions has made him start  to fart with his mouth and his wife is not happy, he hasn't been getting any for weeks now because she says she cant mate with a hippo. Unfortunately if fellow Indians know he is going to Loliondo they will ridicule him and the family will castigate him for subsidizing their stature and honour. Patel is a genius, he will wear a buibui and book a Toyota Probox flight from Nakuru to Loliondo. Unfortunately every Indian in Nakuru had thought of the same thing. On the travel day Shah ends up in a probox full of other "women" in black buibuis and all of them with pointy noses. Everybody in the probox is quite, they all know they are Indians but nobody wants to reveal themselves first... "This must be Patel, is that Shah?" they think.... After a long and awkward silence Ranjeep decides to Unveil himself, there is an explosion of laughter in the probox, they recognize him, skinny Ranjeep the Karma Guru was on his way to Babu's, they all feel safe to remove their black tents... Finally.

The 4 men engage in Chit chat about their Dukas and the rising cost of Dongas and Roti or whatever the hell they call their food. Finally the conversation slides to a halt when Shah asks what they were suffering from... Ranjeep broke the silence by protesting that he had not defecated for 6 months! The rest joined him in empathy as they narrated their ordeals with clogged bowels. Apparently all the Indians around had been constipated for ages, some for years, no wonder they talk funny...

As they continued the journey they entered Tanzania and it was jealousy at first sight. They were greeted by hordes of parked Toyota proboxes as the Passengers defecated by the roadside. The Kalasingas seethed with jealousy as they watched people make hills with their bottoms, Ranjeep lamented how he used to make mountains so high he had a ladder in the toilet, unfortunately The Kalasingas were now camels with humps full of shit!!The road to Loliondo is full of Kenyans defecating on the side, you don't ask for directions, you just smell your way to Loliondo....

You must have realized that I have mentioned proboxes quite a lot, they are the Loliondo cars basically. Apparently Toyota had designed the car just for Loliondo travelers, the Probox has a large flat roof for carrying corpses in case a Loliondo patient died on the way. The Roof of a probox is very comfortable, If you are dead!!

Finally the Patels got to loliondo and what a crowd they found there? Kikuyus were in abundance, Apparently the entire Kikuyu tribe had come there to hawk handkerchiefs and get "treatments for money issues", A kikuyu man dipped his mobile phone in Babu's  drink and it became an i-phone... Another Kikuyu man with a small penis dipped it into the drink...well, it disappeared, his sinful organ was castrated!! If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, if its your leg, cut it off and if its your "organ of sin", then am sorry...

The Indians had hoped to get a franchising deal to distribute the Holy drink in Kenya, in fact Ranjeep had come up with a plan to market is as a soft drink. Unfortunately Babu's drink could only work in loliondo, it could not be carried out of Loliondo. Babu feared that the Chinese could soon make counterfeits with various flavours like, Babu strawberry, Babu Vanilla, Babu herbal, Babu special... People had even brought donkeys to Loliondo, apparently they thought Babu had a well and they had come with donkey carts to carry dawa...

To be continued... coming soon "Greetings from the donkeys of Naivasha..."