If Jesus was a Kenyan..

You have got to hate the 27^th of December; it is a dreadful day. You have got to dread the day after the Christmas holidays. It’s a hateful day as you pay for the indulgences or more precisely the overindulgences of the Christmas festivities. Today I woke up and I was quite ruined. My stomach was haunting me with the groans of the numerous murdered animals that I swallowed. I must confess that many animals perished just for me to feast myself, chicken were beheaded, goats were peeled and even “dobas” were slain. It’s a horrid sensation to feel things decomposing in your intestines, its nauseating; I am never eating meat again. I will start eating vegetables, things like grass.

My only relief was thinking about an interesting conversation I had with my friend Charles yesterday. It was not exactly a conversation but mostly me ranting. I was narrating to him what it would be like if Jesus was here in Kenya. Today as I thought of you my dear readers I felt it would be a nice blog post to you. I think its time I put myself into my blog, its time I gave you what I talk about everyday, what I think about everyday and just me being me and nothing else…

If Jesus was in Kenya at this day and age I am sure he would suffer more punishment than he did under the Romans and Pharisees. If Jesus was a Kenyan he would ruin it for many people. First of all, If Jesus went to Mombasa or Kisumu he would bankrupt boat owners as he would help passengers walk across the water for free. If Jesus was a fisherman the fishermen would hate him because he would fish without a net. All Jesus would do is call out the fish and they would jump into his boat. The other fishermen would catch nothing and Jesus would possibly give all the fish for free.

 ..In fact if Jesus was to be a Kenyan he would not be born because the Holy spirit would not find a virgin girl in Kenya...

If Jesus multiplied fish and bread and fed people in Uhuru Park the city council would arrest him for hawking without a license, the hawkers would hate Jesus for ruining their business. If Jesus turned water into wine in Kenya the police would arrest him for making illicit brews and if Jesus started healing people in the streets the doctors would go on strike because he was ruining their business…

If Jesus resurrected the dead in Kenya coffin makers would report him as a grave robber and if Jesus saved a woman from mob justice the crowd would stone him instead. If Jesus gave free bread and fish to Kenyans they would sell it and buy chang’a. If Jesus started anointing people in the streets the churches would hate him for ruining their anointed water businesses.

If Jesus was a Kenyan he would not be baptized because John the Baptist would have been Killed for being a Mungiki. In fact if Jesus was to be a Kenyan he would not be born because the Holy spirit would not find a virgin girl in Kenya. In the unlikely event the Holy Spirit found a virgin there would be no Joseph because all Kenyan men are drunk. If Jesus was born in Kenya there is a high likelihood he would end up in the dustbin and salvation would never happen…

The truth is that Jesus isn’t very convenient for most of us. Jesus is not very good business because he said “Happy are the poor” and the world has changed a lot. Today Jesus is applied for commercial value rather than spiritual value. If Jesus was a Kenyan groupies would stalk him and humourless comedians like Eric Omondi would make jokes about him. If Jesus was a Kenyan he would end up in jail for starting a “cult”. The truth is that people make Jesus what they want him to be. Ladies like Jesus because he loves them and they think of him as their “boyfriend”. Men like Jesus because the “word of God” works rather well when folding girls into the box. I imagine the real Jesus would be the kind who goes against the grain, maybe Jesus would be spraying graffiti, maybe he would be a cowboy with a horse and Yoke… I don’t know, but there is a reason Jesus wasn’t a Kenyan…

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