Mr. Landlord please !!

Its been a while since we last met sir. I wish we would meet in more pleasant circumstances. I have heard that you have been looking for me. Here I am you have found me. Calm down sir! Calm down! I am sure we can talk this out, like gentlemen let us talk. I am sure you are a reasonable man. Relax! Give me a chance! No need for fury! No need for rage! Please! Mr. landlord Please!

I know you wanted your money! I know, I know. I remember I had made you a promise two months ago. Im sorry I couldn’t keep it. I had wanted to pay you sir, I was planning to come on that Monday morning. That Monday morning as I had promised, but the baby got sick in the night, I had to pay the doctor sir, I had to. Please understand, Mr. Landlord please!

 ...Mr. Landlord please return my television. Dear sir, return my black and white television. It is more expensive than the rent I owe you. Please return my television. Come pick my torch instead, it is more commensurate to my debt...

Why are you looking at me like this? Why don’t you believe me? Didn’t I tell you we had a baby? Yes, we had a baby, me and my wife Julia. Yes! My wife! I got a wife too… ok, I got the wife first and then the baby. My wife is called Joyce… sorry, I meant Julia, yes, Julia. Haven’t you seen my wife sir? You should have seen her when she was here. Lovely I say, lovely! Am afraid she is not here now, she went to ushago(rural home) with the baby… I wanted to bring your money this week you know. Unfortunately my mother in Law was unwell so I sent my wife to assist. She went with the money. Sir, you know this problems za kiukoo. Just give me one more week and I promise I will pay you. There is a contract I have been doing and they are paying me this week, yes, just one week... Please! Mr. Landlord please!

Mr. Landlord please return my television. Dear sir, return my black and white television. It is more expensive than the rent I owe you. Please return my television. Come pick my torch instead, it is more commensurate to my debt. I could add a matchbox if you want. Return the television and pick my torch and matchbox, keep them till I pay you sir. Kindly bring back my television; my wife is coming back soon. She needs to watch Maria Clara, if she doesn’t find it she will leave me. Sir, don’t steal my wife from me. Please! Mr. Landlord please!

Mr. Landlord, I know you wonder where I have gone. You have been looking for me and you haven’t found me. Stop looking, you cannot find me. I have moved from your miserable plot. I have found some descent housing. Those houses of yours were a pain; I was tired of sleeping with Lizards in my mouth. I was tired of the leaking roof and the holes in the floor. Your house was a quarry. You switched off the power during the day and there was only one toilet for the five hundred houses. I was tired! I was tired! I hope you get another tenant for your house; I am not coming back there. Kindly sir, I would like my torch back sir, there is no electricity here sir. You should bring the umbrella as well, there is no roof here. Please! Mr. Landlord please!

Hahahaha! Sir! You have made me laugh! I heard that you called the police for me, you wanted me to go to jail! You told them that I had fled with your money! I hear that you told them I had not paid rent for three months. I am sorry, you were wrong. I had not paid rent for a whole year. I lived in your house for months without you knowing. I would move in during the night and move out during the day. I did this and you never knew it. I was always laughing at how much I was tricking you. I told the police this and they laughed so much and let me go. I am not in jail sir, am a free man. Try something else sir, try something else. Take me to the army, Take me! Who will you call next? I have beaten you at your game and I have moved on to someone else. Don’t be bitter sir, just forget it and let it go. If it makes you feel better, I was not the only one doing that, half the people in the plot lived there for free. You are a very kind man, you have hosted many without cost. Thank you for building your plot, it was a nice aboard for the many of us Jobless youths from the village. I pray that you prosper and build more houses. I need somewhere to host my brother as he arrives from the village.