I would rather eat a Kabambe than own one.

There are few things that I find as repulsive as a Kabambe, I think it’s an insult as a phone and nobody deserves to own a Kabambe. You see, a kabambe is like a sexually transmitted disease, it’s very embarrassing for anybody to know that you have one. It’s the kind of phone that you don’t answer in a Matatu; it’s the kind of phone that you look around before you pull it out. When you have a kabambe and it starts to ring you pray that it’s not yours. The Kabambe is the phone that made your girlfriend dump you.

It’s the kind of phone that you don’t answer in a Matatu; it’s the kind of phone that you look around before you pull it out. When you have a kabambe and it starts to ring you pray that it’s not yours. The Kabambe is the phone that made your girlfriend dump you

Whoever made the Kabambe had never heard about fashion, he had never heard about design and worst of all he had never heard about Dignity. In all its short comings, the Kabambe lacks dignity more than anything else. Let me put it simply, when they did a survey for mobile phone ownership, they had a separate category for Kabambe. You are better off without a phone than with a Kabambe. Rather than buying a Kabambe you should buy a watch, all a Kabambe does is show time and embarrass you, buy a watch and save your money.

Don’t get me to be an elitist megalomaniac who despises cheap things, I don’t hate the Kabambe because its cheap, I have seen cheap phones with dignity, my first phone was a Motorola C113, and I still have it and I would prefer it to a million Kabambes. My hatred for Kabambes is intractable; I would rather eat a Kabambe than own one.

The Witchcraft is Working.

If you are reading this, which you are assuming that you are not, or I am not hallucinating then you are bewitched. When I started my first blog it barely reached 500 visitors in its life of a few months, but this one has clocked more than 3,000 in under a month, quite impressive. This blog has followed a rather peculiar approach to publicity. I have made a deliberate effort to annoy you with incessant links all over your groups and pages. I have assaulted you with the most provocative of titles and I have bombarded you with the most enraging of content. I have stuck to my Philosophy, to inspire, to captivate and to influence. I do this to make a difference, to make you smile or frown when you see my obnoxious links on your page. I do this to amuse you and to enrage you, I do this to make your day or to ruin it, but I do this for you.

I have made a deliberate effort to annoy you with incessant links all over your groups and pages. I have assaulted you with the most provocative of titles and I have bombarded you with the most enraging of content. I have stuck to my Philosophy, to inspire, to captivate and to influence... I do this to amuse you and to enrage you, I do this to make your day or to ruin it, but I do this for you.

I cannot help it but to be grateful for your remarkable support, I cannot ignore the tremendous support from friends who take time to share my links with others; I could not do this without the people who take their time to visit my page everyday. I won’t mention their names here because I want to maintain their Privacy and of course keep the spotlight on myself. I have gotten this far because of you and I can only get further if I am with you. Lets join to make a difference, Let us bind ourselves to a commitment to make a better day. I want this to be A Kenyan Phenomenon, I want this to become a sharpener of people’s mindsets, to eradicate the old and to install the new, Its time to cast aside the old values and adopt more pragmatic ideals, this of course is a responsibility to every Kenyan. I am a Patriot, let us all be.

Feel invited to join this page and follow me on my Facebook page Kenyan-Phenomenon; inspire, captivate, influence.

Apology to my future wife.

This is the story of a broken man, the somber narrative of shame, guilt and regret. This is a letter of penance, repentance for the sordid fouls of my future. This is my grief for the kind of man I am, my apology for the kind of man I am not. This are my confessions, I abscond my reticence and unveil my faults, please bear my apology, relieve me of my guilt. Forgive me for the Kind of husband I shall be.

You married a lie; I had fooled you with my pretence. You thought of me well and I knew I would disappoint you, I knew I would never be what you thought I would be. I knew I would never make an effort to be a good man, I knew it from the start; I knew these were my ungodly intentions. I knew I would never appreciate all you did for me, I would never be grateful for the warm meals you served me; I knew I would never be satisfied by your warmth in my bed. I always knew I would stray and I never tried to resist the temptation, I thought of nothing but myself.

All I thought, all I felt was contempt, contempt for your honour, contempt for your womanhood and disdain for your wants. I thought of you as nothing more than a shameless Gold digger, I never valued your love, I never trusted your cares, I thought you were evil, I always was suspicious of your kindness

I never cared when you cried, I never felt your coldness as you ate all by yourself while I surrendered to the bottle. I never thought of you as I subdued myself to the whore, I never cared of your shame as I brought the barmaid to the sanctuary of our matrimony. I never felt remorse for telling you that you were a useless wife. All I thought, all I felt was contempt, contempt for your honour, contempt for your womanhood and disdain for your wants. I thought of you as nothing more than a shameless Gold digger, I never valued your love, I never trusted your cares, I thought you were evil, I always was suspicious of your kindness, I rejoiced in your tears, I fed greedily at the misery in your eyes, All I yearned for was your suffering, that is why I subscribed to the whore, I wanted your nose to smell the cheap perfume, I wanted you to know that I was with somebody else. I felt threatened by your grace,  I felt worthless before your aspirations, I feared you would be great and I would be disposable. I always knew I never deserved you, I always thought you deserved better, I always feared you would realize that and you would go, so I punished you for my short comings, I punished you because I was not the man I should have been.

Now its clear, I have always been the baby, the sordid little one in the gutter, You lived through all the immaturity, waiting for me to grow up. Now I feel more ashamed. You never fought back but I still lost, Leave me now! Go away! Never come back! I cannot bear this shame I feel in front of you. I cannot bear it that you see through me like a pond. I hate to be the stain in your life, Go! Find a better man, build a better life.

The Male Lady Gaga!!

 This is a letter of protest; it’s my expression of disgust and my comprehensive indictment of the appalling cadre and pedigree of some scatterbrained politicians. I am talking about the people who always appear on the news for some thoughtless theatrics, I mean people like Waititu, people like Mike Sonko AKA Gideon Mbuvi and the other names he may have. Don’t get me wrong here but let the truth be said, Waititu and Sonko are not at the same Level, at least Waititu can dress up, his only fault is his stone throwing and hooliganism. Sonko is in a class of his own, not because he is great, no, because he is a retard.

Sonko is the kind of man whose balls are bigger than his brain, I am not saying his balls are big; all I am saying is that his brains are insufficient. You see, what am saying is that Sonko has a big head, but its mostly Hollow. I am trying to be very polite here because my appraisal of him has left me with only profanities to describe him but I won’t use profanities, I am better mannered than that.

Sonko is the kind of man whose balls are bigger than his brain, I am not saying his balls are big; all I am saying is that his brains are insufficient...Sonko is a male version of Lady Gaga

Sonko is an example of a moneyed delinquent; he is the Kind of person that Lady Gaga will turn into when she grows up. Let me rephrase, Sonko is a male version of Lady Gaga. That is besides the point, people like Sonko have their uses, but its not leadership. How did the people of Makadara pick him? What did they expect he would be? What value would he add to the debate in Parliament? How would he contribute to the implementation of the constitution? I reckon Sonko has only scrap value when it comes to intellect and judgment.

I see Sonko as a social misfit, he never found his place in life, If only there had been a circus, A place for apes to display their talents while walking on ropes and dressing up to amuse. What a sad story? I hope Sonko finds his place in life, maybe its in music, drama, cartoons or maybe its Just a prison.

Tips on Handling the Kenyan Police

As a Kenyan youth the police are always a big impediment to our freedom and fun and we therefore must be always ready to encounter them. The Kenyan police tend to be a very unpalatable lot, they are the ultimate of killjoys and have the uncanny ability to just ruin any occasion regardless of its auspiciousness. The Kenya police are like ghosts they just appear at the least expected time, they materialize out of thin air. The Kenyan police are predators, always striking when you are most vulnerable.

This might sound callous but the Truth is that with the Kenyan Police nothing is free, even the bullet that shot you has to be paid for before your body is released. As you see the Police are a nuisance even to the DEAD.

So, what is the point here? It’s very simple; I want to prepare you to deal with this recurrent inconvenience to your life. Preparing for the police could save you a lot of time and money. I don’t want you to be the person being stamped by their boots. I don’t want you to be the man being packed into the back of a sorry mariamu, I don’t want you to be the unfortunate man who ends up in a used body bag heading t city mortuary. This sounds grossly exaggerated but the truth is that a bad police encounter could end up with the inconvenience of being shot and labeled a fleeing fugitive. This might sound callous but the Truth is that with the Kenyan Police nothing is free, even the bullet that shot you has to be paid for before your body is released. As you see the Police are a nuisance even to the DEAD.

So before you end up in unmarked and shallow grave because Majiwa stole some money, here are the few words of advice. You better take this advice before the police decide to use you as a door mat. I have been in a critical police encounter and I can tell you that the only thought in your head during a police beating is “Police Reforms”. The Kenyan Police are quite a lynching as those who have endured could tell you. The first thing in dealing with the police is avoiding them, you need to sharpen your senses, know their routes, If you see a vehicle with 2 headlamps quite close together and a bit raised from the ground, Scatter!! It’s most likely a Land cruiser. The second thing is about groups, If you are in a group of people, its advisable to separate and walk as individuals, nothing attracts Police like a group of youths, they could easily shoot you and say you are a gang.

If they suddenly crawl out the woodwork like roaches and you have no chance to evade them, there is little help for you. The first thing is to identify the type of policemen they are, If they are in blue, then they are regular police and most likely they wont bother you. If they are in Jungle green, then they are administration police and that means trouble, you could either fake death or brave an arrest that could lead to your fleecing and lynching. This might not sound like much but then as I said, the Police are predators, there isn’t much advice you could give to a gazelle about a lion, is there?